tonight, the drinks and the Calgary of Friends that convened for my broken heart at a host of Soma watering holes here in San Francisco did not distract me from how devastated i was inside about you.
i swear to god walking around in our gritty down town neighbor hood where we met, fell in love, moved into our Soma loft we turned into a fear and loathing k den; only served to remind me how much of a west side story soma love story we were. Turning heads with how opposite we looked and passionate we were together. no one knew how perfect we were for one another.
at shine tonight just when i though i had gotten in the clear of you for even a fleeting second, in walks a young spiting image of us circa two years ago. A beautiful boy with a mohawk and face piercings walks with this ironically opposite girl. They looked just like us. it was clear that to them they were the only two people in the room. my head was spinning just looking at them because i realized my friends and i accidentally stumbled into the very bar we had our first date. watching the spitting image of us in the very booth we fell in love and went all or nothing with each other two years ago. fucking gorgeous riveting visceral disaster that satiated every fiber of me.
even my friends’ jaws dropped when they walked in. the wickedly painful irony could not be missed. i got up to have a cigarette or five and when that didn’t work, i went to the bath room to shake myself of the carbon copy lovers. some evil god somewhere ironically placed them as a gut wrenching joke and must of been having quite a wicked laugh at my expense.
am i really seeing this? really is this happening right now?
am i really seeing this? i kept asking myself until a friend pointed out i had said it out loud several times and didn’t want to say anything. i had been sucessfully fighting back tears until my chest caved in at the thought of how much i wanted to be that girl again. all fucking over again. sitting in that booth. falling in love to the music of this city’s underground. my friends grabbed me and pressed me close as they took me deep into the base and onto the dance floor to be saved by music.
you were every where tonight. the city was pushing the memory of us so hard upon me. i even walked past our old loft. our old liquor store for 40s runs and cheap wine benders. past the Civic Center where you first saw me but didn’t actually meet me until two years ago. i kept seeing the ghosts of us running the streets defying traffic lights and pedestrian courtesy. kept seeing you press me up against building walls and us dropping our groceries not able to make it our apartment before trying to sweep each other off our feet. to squeeze every drop we could get of our love together, of our time together. i tried so hard to escape you but i wanted the worse things for myself.
that line from Killing Moon keeps echoing in my head, “Fate. Up against your Will.”
i kept pretending to check for the time on my cell phone in hopes that you might have called or texted. there was nothing. my heart and head throb at the thought. if i could see you or touch you right now i would. not just because im drunk but because the only thing i want to feel is love. because i genuinely miss you and you told me never to even fathom a time in my life where i will ever have to do with out you. you made me promise never to leave no matter how bad your life got. you told me to stay steadfast no matter how lost or angry you got. you told me to travel the depths of hell because i could always find you, always bring you back from demons and destruction. now that you’re gone i’ve still kept my promise. my heart never left your side and now there’s this cavern inside my body. there are lead weights on my feet. my vision is soaked. and sleep. a lofty ambition.
you were so my kind.
i can’t believe i was lucky enough to have our worlds collide even if that meant it had to fall apart. unconditionally loving you through the most chaotic time and version of yourself was the closest i’ve ever come to god. the death and rebirth of self i experienced in loving you was such an essential part of my life’s story. i learned so much about myself. you were by far my favorite chapter. could have fuckin sworn you were going to fill every page till the end.
the loss of you is so unbearable for the first time since i was 16, i actually felt entitled to self destruction. this aching feeling keeps reverberating. the restless sounds of this city bleeds through the window and reminds me of how we would just stay up noisy nights and make love through the nightly bustles that prevented sleep.
i wonder when the next time is i will be able to fall asleep. or be able to inhale with out assistance from an unnerving cigarette. i wonder when exactly i won’t be placated by the memory of you, of us by everything. goddamn nostalgia. i wish i wasn’t so fucking sentimental. i wish i was bukowski right now. weighing my options in the dim candle light, spinning a knife realizing my only option, if i’m to survive this night, is that i’m going to have to save my self.